Growing up, I heard these phrases so often from the mothers of the church and other members; at some point, it no longer mattered. How many times have others noted differences in sex abuse survivors’ bodies and behaviors? Just as the church people noticed the differences in my appearance and behavior, other adults within the community addressed the differences. Two teachers noticed a change in my behavior; one came close to identifying the source.
An observant teacher, Mr. Mar (one of my NJROTC staff leaders), witnessed the power and over control, the dirty man had over my family. He asked, repeatedly, if everything was okay since the man was not my biological father but had so much authority in the level of academic participation on a micromanagement level. Fear of being placed in the foster care system and being separated from my sibling raced through my head.
Fear is a real concern for childhood sex abuse survivors; protecting the susceptible is our responsibility as adults. Learning to ask the right questions to protect our youth and young adults begins with being informed. Darkness 2 Light offers a FREE PROTECTING CHILDREN IN CRISIS Program https://www.d2l.org/education/additional-training/protecting-children-during-crisis/ ; if only this fantastic program were around during the time of my abuse, perhaps Mr. Mar would have known the correct questions to ask me while offering reassurance.
The holier than thou church people I affectionally call the “Pharisees” noticed my physical changes but never discerned my spiritual state. The most critical people sought to argue about the image of holiness, never knowing I did not believe in the very principles they were trying to reinforce. The restrictive appearance of no pants, long “holy” skirts, and minimal make-up was the order of the day for a church girl. Many Pharisees sat proudly under my childhood sex abuse master as faithful church members. Some parishioners did not know about the dirty man’s extensive sexual abuse of children under the spirit of lust and perversion (to name a few of the controlling spirits), while other consenting adults knew and did not care as long as they had their turn with the married Pastor.
The Pharisees and community alike should know demonic spirits will not refuse an opportunity to transfer into a victim; in fact, they love to hang with other demonic spirits and principalities. I am confident that no demon has ever said, Oh no, that is a child or innocent person we can’t set up shop in them they are off-limits. At fourteen, the spirit of perversion and lust became sexually transmitted and maintained control in my life for decades, which came from my sex abuse master - the Dirty Disgusting Man, the Satanic Ruler (DDM SR).
Attempting to articulate the changes happening in my body and mind was not something I could communicate well because I felt alone like no one could relate to my pain. After the trial and exploring my healing journey, it became clear the number of people who understood the guilt, shame, and embarrassment was far higher than any number I could have imagined. Not understand the change in my body, confusion with sexuality, and natural urges which developed were overwhelming. No youth program addressed the real truth concerning what I was dealing with internally, only condemnation from the Pharisees.
There was no place to fit in: I was too churchy for the world and too worldly for the church. The combination of both kept me in a state of perpetual conflict. The Dirty Disgusting Man, the Satanic Ruler - talked about the need for protecting us from those who would prey on “young girls” from the pulpit in the holy temple of God. Kings and Queens, sadly, too many of us can relate to the internal conflict and the desire to seek peace from the pain of sexual abuse. Peace and wholeness are available, Kings and Queens. I share robust strategies in the book: A Memoir of Healing and Deliverance from Sex Abuse: The Dirty Man. Pre-order autographed copies today!